Welcome Sunshine. I missed you.

I have issues. This is nothing new, but I came to the realization that a change is needed and although I can't change everything at once, I can work on the things that are obvious. Being negative all the time was one thing that needed to change. I felt myself being negative in almost every aspect of my life. It amazes me that people who meant the most to me did not cut me off, but thought it best to bring it to my attention in hopes that I get a grip and change. I thank God for those who stayed. They mean more to me than I can ever express.

Soo story time... once upon a time (eeh not too long ago) I had been in a very negative space for a looong ass time, to be honest. I was depressed and going through a lot of personal things at home and I thought I was handling it. In my heeeead, I was all smiles and easy to be around. It wasn't until a guy I was talking to made the comment that he couldn't deal with talking to me all the time, because I was always negative (*** in disbelief..wait..me?). I didn't realize it (or maybe I did, but didn't care enough to change it), but I was always saying negative things about myself, situations and others. I joke a lot, but there was always some truth in my comments about myself and my situation. lol, I....was Eeyore in human form. The "why me, whoa is me and everyone else, but me." To be completely real right now, I still am at times. Even with him saying that, it wasn't until talking to my best friend about it that put it all in perspective. (I can be so naive at times and not see the writing right in front of me.) She's helped me so many times with my "drama and fake drama" that she probably doesn't even remember this day. Basically, she told me that staying in a negative space, changes what you attract; situations and people. I understand now why certain people did not want to be bothered with me and also why I dealt with certain people that I should not have. I wasn't enhancing their life with my presence and vice versa. Why deal with someone if they don't bring you peace? It wasn't the first time that I heard I was negative. I'm sure she had told me plenty of times in her way, but you know how that goes.. It takes someone else to say something for it to stick. You have to want to do better or nothing anyone says will matter (she told me that too lol).

sidenote: I should pay her to be my therapist.. she's pretty good at this.

This world is so sad and filled with so much negativity that some times it is hard to see the good things that are going on. Honestly, it is exhausting to be negative every single phuggin minute and then to push your thoughts into the atmosphere is terrible. It's like smog. It's noticeable, heavy and makes it really hard to breathe when you're around it. You just want to get away from it and everyone who pushes it out. Sooo now, I try (I'm tryyyying) to become more aware of what energy I give off. I do not want to be judgmental. I do not want to be mean. I do not waaant people to be uncomfortable in my presence. I want to be a positive light. I want to feel good about the things I say and do. How I feel and how I make others feel. I NEED PEACE, plain and simple. I waaaant peace and to be AT peace. If that means staying to myself or distancing myself from others who are in that space to protect the little bit of peace that I DO have, then this is something I need to do. I can't apologize for it. I need this. Tomorrow isn't promised and I don't want to be the person remembered as always being in my feelings or miserable. Don't get me wrong, this is not an easy task and I struggle with these feelings towards myself every day, but what I will not do is go out of my way to make others feel the way I feel or felt. Reason being, you never know what someone else is going through. My sprinkle of negativity may be all they need to go off the cliff/ledge or even lose their ish.. I don't want to be responsible for that. I want to be someone's sunshine on a cloudy day. Being a better person doesn't hurt anyone. Doesn't depreciate your value, if anything it adds to it.