To be truly loved?

Excuse me while I overthink this and hopefully it makes sense, because ya girl is tired tonight...

The other day I was on Facebook (I knoow) and came across this video of this guy asking that question.. "Have you ever been truly loved?".. Of course God loves you and maybe even your family and friends, but I mean truly loved by a significant other. Loved for who you are and not what you do. I asked myself this question over and over again. Then my crazy mind wondered would people love me if I weren't the person I am to them? I just realized (and I could be wrong), but I don't think I've ever felt like someone truly loved me for me and not for what I can do for them.

I noticed some time ago that I'm a giver. I take joy in doing for others.. I'm that person that if I see something for you, regardless of who you are and I think you'll like/love it.. I gotchu. It makes me happy to see someone else smile. I have tried to be that person to help others feel loved, because I wouldn't want anyone to feel like I had in the past. I guess in a sense, I was trying to feel loved through them. I dunno.. stupid, I guess and maybe I'm trippin, but sometimes these thoughts I can not control. The more that I write, the more I feel really foolish for thinking these things and even moreso typing it out.. so please tell me if it's just me.

In past relationships, giving is something that I've always done and felt taken advantage of in the end. I'm not blaming any man, because ultimately it was myyy doing. I've helped people (PAUSE. not that many people, because I haven't been around like that lol) get on their feet, the "upgrader". Helped financially, bought nice things for them and even became their personal cheerleader when they went through their hard times. I can't say I've had that reciprocated in any relationship. I actually did the most for one jackass. It bettered his life all to backfire in mine. Again, that wasn't completely his fault. I was young, dumb and thought we both were in love and I would eventually feel what I gave. I learned the hard way that some people really do suck.

My bestfriend used to tell me all the time "You're not Jesus. Stop trying to save people." As funny as it was to hear that..she was right (once again 🙄). Although, I didn't see it as me trying to "save" them, but I guess I was trying to make myself happy through them. You see...(In my heeead), I saw myself treating people how I wanted to be treated, but I never got that in return. Dumb, I know.. stupid expectations.. I should never expect anyone to be me or love me the way I love them...and I get that people love differently (I hear this all the time too).

Let me clear this up.. I'm not materialistic at all and I don't need to be saved (in the worldly sense). I like nice things, but I'm so used to taking care of myself that I have a hard time believing I deserve anything from anyone else.. I can't say I know what that feels like to have someone just think of me.

I do love that I can love someone wholeheartedly and show it with them feeling it, but I want to know what that feels like before I turn into the angry old lady next door who eventually dies, not knowing what it's like to be loved properly.

Sooo Sir if you are out there.. come love on me for the little bit of life I have left and tell me why you love my crazy ass. I need someone to be like "daaamn.. I really love this girl" and I can be like "whoa....He really loves me." The real me, overthinker, crazy, flaws and all. I know I sound about as dramatic as a flailing octopus.. but tonight.. it's just how I feel. ***shrugs*** Eh.. it is what it is..