......I need a vacation

And thissss is one of the reasons I will probably remain alone; I feel crazy. Plain and simple. Not in the commital or need meds sense (although Xanax may help), but I sure do question if I'm going to end up there soon.

I am probably the calmest looking person, but this mind... smh. I have atleast 20 tabs open of useless content, what ifs and I wonders running through it all day long.. it is phuggin exhausting.. Some days I'm amazed how I keep half of it in my head.

I notice now that I'm older when I'm dealing with personal stress I become impulsive. I'll have a random thought and instead of just pushing it aside... I dwell on it. It grows. I instantly act on it. Writes out a text (that makes sense ONLY to me) annnnnd send! I instantly freak out (in my mind of course) Nooooo!!! Why did I do that? rings in my head as anxiety creeps up annnnd BOOM! I hate myself. Am I trippin or is this just normal?