Am I trippin?

I swear I say this to myself more times in a day than I should. Let me explain. I... am.. an over-thinker. It's not something I'm proud of, but ya girl has issues and I got it honest. I'm not going to lie, most days, I drive myself crazy and anyone that comes into contact with me...for that, I am sorry, but I do love those of you for trying to understand my crazy.

So I guess I will start my blog by one of the most recent conversations I have had. I like to share my thoughts on what I have discovered about myself to my bestfriend/therapist/confidant/P.I.C. Let me introduce you to Boontha (nickname). I recently saw a meme that hit on abandonment issues and asked if this was me. Abandonment issues are basically past trauma that one feels when someone leaves at any given moment for whatever reason, friend/family/love of your life.. whoever. If you know Boontha, she doesn't hold back any punches and you're going to feel every verbal lash she has to say. You may be slightly bruised throughout the conversation, but she means well and I love her for trying to keep me grounded lol. Soo.. being who she is, she did not/ does not hold back. Soo basically, I am a self-sabotage waiting to happen. I knew in a sense that I push people away, but didn't realize it was so obvious to others and that I do this to try to prevent myself from being hurt later on. Not that I think everyone is out to hurt me, but hey..do we ever really know? I mean...do we?

Here's an example (and I know this is crazy).. I normally do not like talking on the phone unless it is to my parents, my sister or my best friend. Reason being, they will love me regardless of how "special" I am at that moment and know I'm just having a mental meltdown from overthinking something and eventually, I will come back to reality lol.. What I have learned is that in my past, people have left at any given time for something that may or may not have had anything to do with me Which is normal..(I guess), but I took it to heart every time. I do not like getting attached to people unless I know that they are here to stay. Soo to avoid thoose feelings/emotions, I distance myself. What if you realize that maybe I'm not the person you thought I was or that maybe I'm a little more than you're wanting to deal with (personality-wise) aaaand poof.. hurt feelings. There.. I said it. Although this has stopped the phone meltdowns it has not stopped me from having text meltdowns. Believe me, I am working on this self control thing. Is that even possible for an over thinker? hmm is it or am I overthinking this too? I guess the saying.. "to know me is to love me" is true. This does make sense right? I can't be the only one or am I trippin?